Another selection of jokes..

1.
The National Institute of Health (NIH) announced a new standard for medical testing.
Testing on rats will be terminated, and in the future live animal testing will be performed using lawyers. The NIH presented the following explanation for its decision:
Some lab assistants were becoming quite attached to their rats, and it was important to find an alternative which would not inspire emotional involvment.
The population of attorneys grows at a faster rate than the population of rats.
Lawyers contribute less to society, and thus are more expendable than rats.
Animal rights societies do not oppose experimentation on lawyers.
There are some things even a rat won't do.
The NIH is trying to resolve concerns raised by this change, that using lawyers for testing may render it more difficult to extrapolate test results to human beings.


2.Two lawyers were out hunting when they came upon a pair of tracks. They stopped and examined the tracks closely.
The first lawyer announced, "Those are deer tracks. It's deer season, so we should follow the tracks and find our prey." The second lawyer responded,"Those are clearly elk tracks, and elk are out of season. If we follow your advice, we'll waste the day."
Each attorney believed himself to be the superior woodsman, and they both bitterly stuck to their guns.
They were still arguing when the train hit them.

3.
Have you heard about the lawyers' word processor?
No matter what font you select, everything come out in fine print.

Did you hear about the new microwave lawyer?
You spend eight minutes in his office and get billed as if you'd been there eight hours.

Did you hear about the group of terrorists that hijacked a plane full of lawyers?
They called down to ground control with their list of demands, threatening that if their demands weren't met, they would release one lawyer every hour.

4.What would happen if you lock a zombie in a room full of lawyers?
He would starve to death.

What do you call a lawyer with an I.Q. of 50?
Senator.

What do you call a lawyer gone bad?
"Your honor."

What do you call a smiling, sober, courteous person at a bar association convention?
The caterer.

What does it mean when a lawyer tells his clients he has a sliding fee schedule?
It means that after you pay his bill, it's financially hard to get back on your feet.

If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?

What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A good start!

5.
How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
His lips are moving.

Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it?
The old drunk, of course, the other three are mythological creatures.

One juror overheard saying to another..."You'll notice that neither the prosecutor or defense attorney swore to tell the truth!"

If you see a lawyer on bicycle, why should you swerve to avoid hitting him?
That might be your bicycle.

Man,why are people so mean to lawyers?Haha